Tuesday, February 7, 2017

My pantang story

24/11/2016, the birth of our girl, Marissa Anna Humaira marked the first day of my pantang journey.

Just like during Ammar's time, we decided to pantang at home..(Encik Lebah thought that staying with me will make sure I will stay sane! hehehe)

My mom and dad arrived here in Putrajaya since 3 days before admission.
and they stayed for a month!

I felt so much calmer this time as my mom was with me all the time, as well as Encik Lebah,of course.
I went thru pantang happily happily and less stress compared to the first time when my mom could only stay for 10 days as she was still working.
Your tiny little feet just melt my heart, baby~~

As I berpantang in double storey house, we have carefully  set up how am I going to berpantang without involving walking up n down the stairs.
We have placed a sofabed downstairs together with a cot and a baby wardrobe for my mom whenever she cares for Marissa while I am resting.
I absolutely love the sofabed, it is so worth the money spent!
It is so comfy and practical.
My mom also loves it so much, making her entire one month stay so comfy she said!
Hehehe~~gotta make ur mom happy ay?!

Baby Marissa is one happy baby, she cries occasionally whenever too hungry, or when mommy lambat sgt!
Baby Marissa so tiny, and rare photo of mommy in kain batik! Mommy and kain batik just dont go together haha,tak reti!!

I stayed upstairs for two weeks,
dpt special treatment in-room dining everyday hehe~~
I love the sup sayur and fish, sampai dua ekor!

Menu pantang me for two weeks were:

Breakfast- two slices of wholemeal bread n milo
Lunch- grilled chicken or beef, or fish with sup sayur, rice and navel orange
Dinner- same with lunch, just alternate the proteins

Gosh I was damn hungry!
I was hungry all the time!


I had to refrain myself from binging and all those good food, forget it, you tgh berpantang keh Anna!

I lost all my pregnancy weight just in the first week of pantang, since I gained a total of only 7kgs thru out this pregnancy despite of eating everything!

However, looking at that ugly tummy of 2scars, sigh...
Think of them this way,
they are the signs of two miracles that came out from you, Anna.
My babies, sleeping soundly while mommy ngantok gile!

They are the signs of motherhood, be proud!
Embrace the new new you.
A mother of two.

I did not have any bertungku
nor bertangas, berpilis bagai
No body massage except from Encik Lebah, since he got the talent!
I did not do berbarut and I only berjaya pakai stokin pantang for the first 10days!
Well, that was good enough for me already! Good job haha!

Anyway, I did not have all that because I had caesarian, I dont trust them manipulating my body with scarred uterus.
I have seen too many infected wound, post partum bleeding, internal bleed required exploration post caesarian, so I dont dare. Encik Lebah also dont dare to advise me to get all those traditional rituals done  during pantang.
And me being paranoid, is so not helping, obviously!
Call me crazy, but mmg tak berpantang pun huhu~~my mom said, nanti tua tua sakitla urat tu,huhu
I am an epic example of one stubborn doctor!
Princess Marissa, having her afternoon snooze~~

Day19, I had subway. and the craves kept on coming after that, Burger King, Auntie Anne's and many many more!

Luckily, my scar healed within a week, despite of me tak berpantang betul2, (but for the first 2weeks, I did not take any eggs, seafood or anything fried) alhamdulillah. maybe makan terlebih zat kot. byk sgt makan navel oranges!

Encik Lebah had his 7days paternity leave, yes only 7days huhu, sadly in Malaysia! He was very helpful with the baby and his ultimate baby, me myself! hehe~~He took care of the food on the table for us and making sure that I am stress-free. Love you Encik Lebah! Basically 90% of the household chores were done by him during the first few weeks.

We were quite well prepared for Marissa, but nothing prepares us for Ammar's biggest tantrum phase ever!

The first 44days were nightmares with Ammar.
Marissa and her brother, Ammar
He had extreme jealousy going on and on with Marissa,

He went crazy seeing me and daddy and everybody, keep on cuddling Marissa and pay more attention to her rather than him!

He became angry with everything, and started to toss everything at everyone, and screamed on top of his lungs whenever Marissa cried for milk or whenever Marissa made any noise.

He refused to sit or be near her, and he tried to separate me from Marissa, he kicked and kicked and kicked! He had sleep regression and started waking up screaming in the middle of the night. My oh my! This is killing us! I felt so sad to see him like this, I had to hand Marissa to my mom most of the time to calm Ammar and cuddle him.

We never thought Ammar will react like this! Totally unexpected since we thought we got him all prepared for Marissa. Certainly, we were wrong!

After few weeks of tantrums and aggressive behaviour, Ammar slowly cooled down.

Mommy, look at her tiny fingers!

Everyday, we will cuddle him and tell him that Marissa is her sister, Marissa will be with us and join us as a family.

We tried to involve him during nappy changing, during Marissa's bath times, and introduced Marissa to him. He responded well, and showed interest.

Mommy can i carry her??

One day I saw him, giggling to Marissa's coos, and holding her tiny hands & feet. Since then, he is becoming more gentle towards Marissa and after two months, I think he has accepted the fact that he has a baby sister, alhamdulillah~~ so adorable la Abang Ammar!

And he started to offer Marissa his Lightning Mcqueen and Tow Mater,
I saw him put his blankie on Marissa, showing signs that he is now willing to 'share' with Marissa, his little sister.
After school, he would ask, mommy where's baby?
I am proud of you, son!
sweet little brother, Ammar~~
Dont worry Ammar, you both will always be our babies okayy? Dont you ever worry about that, we have all the love in the world for you, insyaallah~~

Baby Marissa Anna Humaira at 1month old.
She begins to smile at 6weeks, and coo especially during morning time.
Our cutie pie, 4.7kg.

Baby Marissa doing acrobatics!

So chubby la, mommy tak larat nak carry you 24/7!
Sgt manja baby Marissa,
lagi 5x more manja than Ammar I think,
Baby girl kot hehe~~

The apple of our eyes~~

Baby Marissa at 2months old.
Completed her pentaxim, rotavirus and pneumococcal vaccines which cost a bomb!
Are you kidding me with those eyes??!

Cutie pie weigh 5.9kg at 2 months old!
Getting even more chubbier!

She will look at me every morning with that look, and give me sweet smiles,
She responds to me with her cute coos coos coos, and talks with her eyes.
Her kicks are getting stronger, and I noticed she starts looking at her cot mobile and look interested.
Just like her brother, she is now da pandai nak cry2 if tak nampak mommy or daddy around or near her!
Manja la princess ni~~~!

Nowadays, there are too many exotic diseases, we got to give her the best protection, selebihnya tawakal padaNya insyaallah~~

Marissa on her turun temurun punya rocker~
Khazanah from Abg Ammar hehe.
We call this rocker 'tolak-tolak" because it has small roda, that we use to tolak2 not to henjut2 like real rocker.
Unfortunately it is so difficult to find.
The usual version will have no roda, hence it is turun temurun, kalau rosak ni, mmg abess!

Pantang ended for me well at least betul betul pntang was for about 18days before I broke the pantang with Burger King, and followed by Kenny Rogers sigh~~nampaknya still failed usaha berpantang makanan this time around!

So forever I will be in this size, not going to get any slimmer Anna, thanks to your intense craving for food and your obsession towards good food and food channels!!

We went home to Kelantan at Day30 and out for a walk and jalan2 at Day30 ish. We avoid large crowd and outdoor although patutnya tak bawak kluar baby langsong Anna, haishh! Dont tiru mommy Anna okay?

Marissa had no bertungku, barut and bedung semua ke laut, mcm mommy dia!
Alhamdulillah she did not have yet any kembung perut or colic, she cries little and sleeps well,

I think compares to Ammar,
Baby Marissa is much more manja, wants to cuddle more before sleep, and refuses baby rocker most of the time.
She wants us to hold her to sleep, aduhai princessnyaaa! and she will make sad coos if she is in the carseat more than one hour, kalau abang Ammar 3jam pon masih sleep in the car, rileks je!

Anyway, hopefully she will adjust smoothly to this life outside my womb insyaallah just like Abg Ammar. and we also will adjust to this life having two kids sooner and the soonest we can!

With two kids, I understand sleep deprivation and extreme tiredness at a profound level!
I can barely take care of myself!
We can barely take care of ourselves, we look terrible! haha~~
We laughed at each other and ate maggi mee in the middle of the night while watching the kids sleeping and waiting for Marissa to rengek for milk every 2hours!
A sleepy daddy with his two kids!

Panda eyes, eyebags, messy houses, extreme exhaustion and trying to keep each other sane, were hardwork!

Songs and music, things that both of us have in common, were what making us survive this challenging times and year, without becoming mad, haha. songs and guitar and us, are inseparable, still bole nyanyi malam2, in the car and radio bergerak dlm rumah hehe~~be strong and be tough, parents!!

Above all that,

alhamdulillah for these lovely gifts from You, the most merciful

Having two kids, thought us that it is no longer about you you and yourself.

There's something way way more meaningful than what you own, what you wear, where you've been, or who you are, way more meaningful than everything else you ever own, name it, big house, branded stuff, designer clothes, millions of dollars, the pangkat you have, nothing else matters more now than to see these miracles given to you, growing up healthily, happily, and will love you forever, insyaAllah~~

Your house will never be that tidy anymore, it will always be messy,
but without our kids,
tomorrow wouldn't be worth the wait, and yesterday wouldn't be worth remembering..
InsyaAllah dilindungi olehNya dan dipelihara kesejahteraan kita dan anak2, amin.
Making the decision to have children is momentous.
It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking outside your body..
The Najibs~~

To the moms and dads out there who share this sleepless nights!!
To the moms and dads to be out there who will experience this sleepless nights sooner or later!

Monday, February 6, 2017

The Birth Story of Princess Marissa Anna Humaira

dgn izinNya, our cinta hati number two has arrived safely on 24/11/2016 at 0823 am via elective lower segment caesarian section or known to doctors as ELSCS for cephalopelvic disporpotion or in layman term, scheduled caesarian delivery at 38weeks plus pregnancy due to narrow birth canal.
This was my second caesarian after 3years gap. 
and I have got to say that it was much worse than the first. 
(in Nov 2013, I had emergency csection for secondary arrest after a veryyy longggggg longgg labor and Ammar weighed 3.6kg!)

Princess Marissa Anna Humaira during her first hour with mommy 

It was a difficult decision to go for elective csection.
We have consulted few obstetrician and my previous obstetrician also suggested for elective caesarian if our baby is estimated more than 2.8kg.
We have also read many systematic reviews and journals regarding vaginal birth after csection (VBAC) versus elective repeated caesarian section and after weighing the risks, we decided to go for elective. 
The chance for a successful VBAC is higher if your previous caesarian was because of fetal distress, or because of position of the baby like breech than if you had secondary arrest or prolonged labor.
It was never easy to make such decision, to let the surgeons cut you open for second time, to bring another life to this world..safely.
Anyhow, a caesarian delivery never makes you less a mother.
you had that scars, that pain, lasted forever, and you went thru major operation just to make sure your little one has the slightest risk, to make it safely to this world, insyaallah..
that's a mother.

I took 2weeks leave before my scheduled caesarian. 
I needed it to prepare for the arrival of our new baby, and also to relax and spend more time with Ammar.
Princess Marissa's cot, all ready for her arrival

I know it will be difficult for him, to accept the fact that he will no longer be my only baby alalallalla sian diaaa hehe, 
we went out for dinners and meals, walkabouts, just to ease my nerves!

Admitted to the ward on 23/11/16 around 6pm, after waiting all day for bed.
Done CTG and when Encik Lebah left, I just could not even close my eyes, I was getting so nervous for the next day.
Packing first baby attire which were Ammar's first as well

Early morning, about 6.30am I was prepared by the nurses to be the first on the list that day,
7.30am I was pushed to the OT room, with Encik  Lebah with me, saying prayers and trying to calm me down, I saw the love in his eyes, I kept on selawat dalam hati, 
8am I was already on the table.
the anaes prepared for the drugs, and she poked my back with the needle, god it hurts so much! and I felt the drugs went in so fast with one push.
...and I felt my legs became heavy and numb, I gotta tell you it was scary.

Lying down flat, and I started to feel some pushing n pulling when they cut me open.
about 5minutes, I suddenly felt like the room was getting darker and darker,
and their voices were getting slower and harder to listen,
and that my breaths became heavier and suddenly I felt like suffocating, like drowning in the water!
I remember i tried to scream on top of my lungs,  help me help me I cant breathe!
the anaes responded with 'panic ni, cuba tarik nafas',
I was like, no no no I am not panic, I am drowning, please help me!!!
then she started to worry, and noted the blood pressure went down, and that time I felt like I am going to go.. seriously like it felt like I was going to die,
the thoughts of Allah, Encik Lebah and Ammar and my unborn child yet still in me, kept on coming, everything kept on flashing in my head, and I could hear the team run some fluids, give another drugs, and the specialist went in, 
I could hear their conversations, my blood pressure dropped,
I got hooked up on oxygen,
and in about few minutes,
I recovered. alhamdulillah.
It was damn terrifying!
I cried during the op, so traumatic,
and baby Marissa was out 8.24am, 3.22kg, 
she cried so loud that it echoed across the room,
alhamdulillah she is so beautiful.
She has big eyes just like her brother.
and I had just experienced one of the effect of spinal anaesthesia which was hypotension, and it was petrifying!
Marissa's first picture in her life on earth!

And just when they were finishing me up, I can feel the needle went thru me, 
I can feel the pain already!
and it hurts so badddd!
they quickly gave me entonox and that was the beginning of my horrible super nauseous postpartum experience!

After the op, I was pushed to the recovery room.
in there I felt so dizzy and nauseated, that I could not open my eyes or lift my head or even turn my head!
the nurse kept on asking, and when I said I feel nauseated, and wanted to vomit, 
she said something like "jgn panic tarik nafas",
what's up with everybody saying dont panic!!
I was damn dizzy!
and when i threw up for 3times, then baru she started panicking! and I was still throwing up and extremely dizzy, and they pushed me up to the ward while I was still gagging. (that time I felt like nobody cares huhu)

Back to the ward,
had bouts of vomiting,
my baby cried so loud, 
as I could not get her to me as I was extremely dizzy,
and that went on for the whole day and the day after. (I had no dizziness whatsoever during my first caesarian)
I asked repeatedly for them to top up my baby with formula first, since I got nothing, but to no avail.
and kept on saying bagi je nanti ade susu,
thank you for the breastzilla policy!
I could not even lift my head without vomiting, and my baby cried her lungs out for milk, for two nights..huhu
During Ammar he was well taken care of by the nurses when I was so weak, kudos to Hospital Kuala Lipis staff who were very much soft spoken, supportive and comforting.

And..the urinary catheter was off that evening of Day0, when I was super duper dizzy and throwing up like mad
the whole night I ended up not going to the toilet at all because I was still so dizzy and nauseated.
I was certain, the minute I try to stand up, I will pass out.

Day3, nearly royan.
My baby was not getting anything and developed jaundice.
She kept on screaming and I was getting more insane.
7am everyday, my mom was asked to leave the ward as no penjaga is allowed to accompany patient from 7am till 7pm, leaving me with a screaming hungry baby, while I could not even sit properly without excruciating pain and dizziness!
This is the time that I truly madly deeply needed support from my mom or husband the most and neither of them was allowed from 7am till 7pm.
I remember holding Marissa with pain over the scars and trying to hold myself together.

Alhamdulillah after Day 3, I was allowed to go home.
Missing Ammar badly badly badly.
Baby Marissa and mommy getting ready to go home!
I gotta say, 
my previous experience in the small district hospital of Kuala Lipis was so much nicer,
despite many limitations, 
the staff were many many times more supportive and courteous,
I understand the workloads in the hospital but I was a bit disappointed.
I had higher expectations.
It could have been much better.

There were very nice nurses especially the lactation nurse and the JM who were very soft spoken and helpful, thank you for your kindness.
To the others, I hope you will work on your soft skills and communication skills because they are vital parts in delivering best care to your patients. I had high expectations not because I am a doctor, but because I was keen to get good experience as a patient.

I totally agree with Breast is BEST, don't get me wrong,
but I feel there is a need to respect mothers,
we are not like textbooks,
there are mothers who simply cannot produce,
or who had complications from surgery,
or who had great difficulties,
we cannot be treated the same like mothers who had breastmilk since 38 weeks of pregnancy.
We cannot be too obsessed until we disrespect the mothers and ignore her plea to feed her baby, in the time that she needed support the most.
There is no need to feel scared in the hospital just because you think your baby needs to be fed with formula first as your milk has not yet established.
There is no need for mothers to hide bottles, to feed babies behind the curtain just to avoid getting caught,
Our first selfie with Baby Marissa Anna Humaira
It does not need to be that way
To me that was totally not mother and baby friendly.
We should guide and support the mothers,
but we cannot judge them with their choices.
I hope with time, this can be improved and will be way way better in the future, so that mommy like me will have better and memorable experience giving birth to our little ones insyaallah ~~

Despite the drama,
alhamdulillah, we are now a small family of four
Mini Anna and Mini Najib
alhamdulillah syukur~~

May Allah ease our journey to become good parents, and colour the world of our children the best that we can, insyaallah amin.