Photograph by Anna

Its December 2015.

And this is my ultimate favourite song of the year.
Thank you Encik Lebah for introducing this song to me. 

Photograph by Ed Sheeran

The song is so beautifully written and the music video will make any moms cry.

I think the song depicted exactly how love feels like.
Call it mushy, call it a Hallmark card,
but its real..:)
I never know the love between mother and child feels like this.
Now that I have Ammar, I can truly feel how much parents love their kids
how much our parents love us
how they are willing to do just about anything to make us happy..
I can truly understand now, why my mom always concerns and worries about us
how she can always worry bout small things
how she can sense if i am unhappy
how my dad always shares his thoughts, his struggles, his advice..
just to see us succeed in life,
i can understand it now, i worry, i have fears about future, i think about Ammar every single day and how i want the best for him, just like what my parents want for me..
and so....
Make time for them
Make them happy
Love them
and you will be loved by your children..:)

Baby Ammar at about 18 months old~~
Just look at that heart-melting smile!

Loving can hurt

Loving can hurt sometimes..

But it's the only thing that I know

When it gets hard, you know it can get hard sometimes

It is the only thing that makes us feel alive..

We keep this love in a photograph

We made these memories for ourselves

Where our eyes are never closing

Hearts are never broken

And time's forever frozen still

So you can keep me
Inside the pocket of your ripped jeans
Holding me closer 'til our eyes meet
You won't ever be alone, wait for me to come home

Loving can heal, loving can mend your soul
And it's the only thing that I know, know
I swear it will get easier,
Remember that with every piece of you
Hm, and it's the only thing we take with us when we die

Hm, we keep this love in this photograph
We made these memories for ourselves
Where our eyes are never closing
Hearts were never broken
And time's forever frozen still

And if you hurt me

That's okay baby, only words bleed

Inside these pages you just hold me

And I won't ever let you go

Wait for me to come home

You can fit me
Inside the necklace you got when you were sixteen
Next to your heartbeat where I should be
Keep it deep within your soul

And if you hurt me
Well, that's okay baby, only words bleed
Inside these pages you just hold me
And I won't ever let you go

When I'm away, I will remember how you kissed me
Under the lamppost back on Sixth street
Hearing you whisper through the phone,
"Wait for me to come home."

His favourite book at 18 months old!

Animals flip and sound books

Thanks to Big Bad Wolf Book sales! haha~~ mummy got all these for under rm20!
Yes Ammar still loves books so much,

So much like me for now hehe..:p

  

2015, is about to end in just few weeks.

We have been super busy this year!

Ammar is growing up fast, so fast that i cannot find time to do photobook,

No overseas trip this year, well the Ringgit is falling, so lets just forget about travelling abroad for now!

I forgot to write since I spent so much time with Ammar and Encik Lebah

I have been so busy jadi mummy

So busy carik what to cook, what to teach Ammar, where to go, haha, its always sunshine and sunny days, so we've been busy going places!

Celebrated Eid in Sabak Bernam,

Ammar in his Omar Ali shocking pink Baju Melayu.

Last year we were in the peadiatric ward this day as Ammar was admitted for pneumonia.

This year, alhamdulillah..diberikan rezeki untuk beraya di Sabak Bernam for the first time, for us three.

Celebrated Eiduladha in Kelantan
Alhamdulillah, my parents were over the moon!
Yela cucu sulung finally dapat beraya kat Kelate hehe.

Life is quite hectic when you have a toddler.
So I could not imagine if I have two or three, let alone four!
But I do sometimes picture myself with three children, insyaAllah jika diberikan rezeki anak anak yg sihat sempurna sifat, soleh solehah dariNya, amin.
And, I cannot imagine life with Ammar if I were to still stay in the hospital, doing oncalls, clinical work, masters, I just dont think that I am capable.
Being away for work for few hours is already feels like torture haha melodramatic betul!~
So I am happy with what I am doing now.
Although I am not on the ground anymore doing clinical work, I am still contributing to the health of our nation in a way that suits me well, alhamdulillah.
I am doing what I have always wanted to do.
Evidence based medicine.

I just realized that I've talked about doing research and Public Health since Med School..(ive been digging my past entries lately..and surprisingly, I found an entry that mentioned the passion that I have in doing research, EBM and public health since 2007?!)
Well, switching from clinical to non clinical, was not like piece of cake.
It is a whole new field for me to venture.
There were teases and talks like..."owh sekarang dah bukan doktor la ye.." or "meaning nya you dah resign ke?" or "sayangnya...skills hilang" and "la...sayangla keluar hospital"
But I did not take that with a grain of salt.
I take it as a challenge.

It is a challenge when your community knows little about preventive medicine.
They did not know that the roles of doctors are vast and extensive.
It is not confined to treating diseases in hospitals, and clinics only, but also to focus on the health of individuals, communities and defined populations. 

The goal is to protect, promote and maintain health and well-being and to prevent disease, disability and death.
Haven't you heard that prevention is better than cure?
But our people have not reached to the point that they themselves take the initiatives to learn about well-being and promote health.
Masih lagi.."makanla makanla makanla.."
"Habiskan...habiskan semua makanan yang ada ni.."
The thoughts and actions are focused immensely on eating eating and eating!
No wonder Malaysia is the Southeast Asia's fattest country!
Thats just one example!
What about vaping, pil kurus, pil putih, telan itu ini and yada yada yada?
Haha..sorry for the "doctor"y talk. I just cannot help it!

Celebrated my dad's birthday on 15/08/2015 at our Kuala Lipis home
Cupcakes, chocolate cake and fried bihun mama yg sedap tu!
and recycle banner Ammar hehe

20-month-old Ammar Haikal
Cheeky and happy baby toddler
Getting taller and heavier,
I think he weighed about 15 kilos at this time~~

Ammar has not called me mummy yet?!!

The best only ma ma ma, no M.U.M.M.Y
I guess mummy is quite tricky for him, maybe?huhuhu..takpelaaa

But, he pronounces D.A.D.D.Y so daddddyyyy that mummy is jealous!

It is my belly that has the scar you know,

It is supposed to be mummy first, haha.

Anyway,

He can name daddy, ball, fish, aeroplane, water, light, nak, no no no, banana, cat, eyes, nose, ears, car, jommm, susu, sleep, apple, dog, bye-bye, yayy, clapp, kiss kiss, hug, big, hi-5, count 1 to 10, A B C and countless nursery rhymes!
Ops masa pregnant mummy selalu nyanyi haha.
Well, its okay baby,
Different baby different pace..kan
Mummy okay je, tak berlumba pun.
Nanti Ammar panggil mummy mummy mummy tak berenti yeah hahahaha
Grow up well keh sayang! 

Back to doctor's talk.
Why doctors especially, have that habit of looking down on people, particularly to other doctors.?
If you are in a hospital, scenarios like specialist A complaining about specialist B, and specialist C holding a grudge against specialist A, specialist B calling specialist C as having no brain, and medical officer bullying the others are the norms.
I mean why do you have to act that way?
Are you truly civilized or savage?
We all need each other,obviously. Clinicians need other clinicians..
Clinicians need non-clinicians and the other way around.
If the doctors doing clinical are not excellent in their work, we all going to suffer, receiving substandard care,..and if the doctors in ministry or public health are not managing well, people in hospital will not get proper allocation of resources, health technologies, guidelines, funding, manpower, and subsequently the nation will not achieve universal health coverage! Okay ni dah soalan interview master dah ni hehehe~~

If you think you are the most important person in this world,macam superhero gitu, please check if you are sane or not, because it sounds so grandiose to me :P haha.
It does not have to be that way. It could have been way way easier if you maintain humble, down to earth and remember that all the ilmu adalah dari Allah swt. Bila bila sahaja boleh ditarik balik.
For nearly six years in service, looks like nothing has changed.
It becomes tradition.
Senior doctors should look at the junior doctors as their proteges.
Avoid giving negative remarks, calling the juniors with names such as budak budak ni, etc.,
Positive encouragement and positive attitudes will motivate all these junior doctors to perform well and further their studies.
After all, we gonna get old one day, and trust me, we need competent doctors to treat us!

Ammar at 21 months old.
Bought this mini supermarket thru Lazada for about rm100, and look at him!
He loves it! The cashier machine, the scanner even beeps and it has trolley!
Haha, the size is just perfect for his height.
Mummy yg excited lebih hehe as usual! Ammar kan tak pegi taska, so haruslah rumah banyak mainan macam taska hehehe mummy carik excuses nak beli toys!

  

From left: Anis, my lovely sister Aida Mariya, Ammar, Mummy and Fatihah (Ammar's nanny)
My sister and her friend came to stay with us for few weeks as they did their latihan industri in UKM, Bangi. Missing her so much!



My 22-months old Ammar in his Maxicosi Opal carseat, and he loves it since day 1!
Look at him all comfy with his blankie busyuk hihi~~
I have to say, this is the best investment for mummy, mummy boleh zzzz in the car since Ammar happy je dalam car seat haha~~

I am going to share our experience in getting Ammar to stay in his carseat during the car ride.
It started from the day I brought him home from hospital.
It was from Day 3 of life.
The first big thing that we bought masa shopping barang baby was the car seat.
We bought Maxicosi Cabriofix Walnut Brown.
I remember it was jaw-dropping, when i saw the price tag. At least it was, for me.
But,oh my, my baby Ammar all snuggly and warm in it till he finally outgrown the infant carseat at about 8months old~~
He would automatically fell asleep if you placed him in it, 
And there were so many times when we experienced inertia as the car had to suddenly brake, and we were thankful that Ammar was all strapped in his carseat.
Never trust people on the road, there are heaps of crazy drivers out there more than you've ever imagined!
Subsequently, we bought this Opal. It is a convertible carseat. 
You can use it from infant to toddler , till about 4years old
We were supposed to use it rearfacing for much longer, but when Ammar was about 20months old, he had bouts of vomiting during the car ride, and we attributed this to maybe Ammar had carsick due to being rearfaced. So we converted it to front facing till now.
And just look at him, he is as happy as a clam!



Our toddler enjoying his doodle time using wax crayons~~
Mummy had lost track of his weight but it sure is heavy, as mummy could not carry him for more than 5 minutes! haha.

So, in conclusion,
I think,
We all should be more positive in life.
And we should bring more positive attitudes towards everybody.
Stop judging.
Stop all the hatred.
Dont hold grudges.
Grudges are a waste of perfect happiness.
Respect everyone, respect others needs,
Dont be self-centred, dont be arrogant,
Be a better self,
Teach your children all that,
Show them your affection,
Love is all that matters.
And the half life of love, is forever :)
So remember that!

To be continued...